I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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