i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
