Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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