Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
