At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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