Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
