i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
