She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
