so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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