you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
