i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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