Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
