alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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