i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
