actually, I'm a sock model
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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