I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
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Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
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So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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