Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
