Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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