You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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