wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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