Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Boobs speak an international language.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
