mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
