Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
