I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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