is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
