I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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