it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
