you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
