I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm sobbing to NWA
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
