i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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