Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
