How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
