the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
