I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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