I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize