i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
