I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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