Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
