she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
