my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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