my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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