you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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