Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
