I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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