I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
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There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
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Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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