the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
