Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
