Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
