One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
