I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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