Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize