we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
