He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
