i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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