we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
