Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
