i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
