You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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