This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
